I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
