I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
