Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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