final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
