i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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