Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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