is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
