he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
