This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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