I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
