Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
