i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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