update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
