yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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