Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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