he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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