dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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