I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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