Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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