i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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