I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
