I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
