he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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