My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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