you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
