so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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