i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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