I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
