If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
