I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Less talking, more tequila
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
