Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
