Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
