yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
