wrigley field is MILF paradise
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
