is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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