is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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