I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
