he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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