they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
