I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
