last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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