I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
