fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
