I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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