I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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