I wish I only lived at night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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