When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
