oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
