I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
