I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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