Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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