This is not my ceiling
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
