i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
