Swine flu. Run for my life!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
