Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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