i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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