he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
