Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
