Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
